poutyowl:

i am perfectly fine with having other people sit on my lap but i can’t sit on other people’s laps because i’m always paranoid that i’d crush them and they’d diE

illea:

i called my grandpa to wish him a happy 69th birthday and he said, “I skipped straight to 70. I don’t do 69 anymore, I’m too old to bend that way” and started laughing hysterically

grandpa

antisociallysplendid:

whimsiesandmusings:

mendaciousmastermind:

fartgallery:

what if your name could be an action instead of a word, like you’d introduce yourself like “Hi, my name is *starts doing the worm* Smith, nice to meet you”

Yeah but imagine how ridiculous it’d be trying to call out to someone - *violently doing the worm* Smith! SMITH!

What about whispering someone’s name? *gently and slowly doing the worm* …..smiiiitthh…..smiiiiithhh…

the last one just sounds creepy

anaisforthewin:

shapeshiftandtrick:

ryan-aniki:

shapeshiftandtrick:

how does one tell a boy that one likes him

I am a boy and have a foolproof plan for this:

1. text them and start playing one of those 20q games
2. if they start being a dodgy fella drop em
3. if they ask “You like anyone?”
    reply Yeah, you.
4. If they give you a negative reply sayin they dont like you back then just correct yourself to “*Yeah, you?”

dude that is genius

slow clappin’ it out.

pizz4s:

we’ve talked like 7 times we’re pretty much internet-married 

I guess you could say it’s getting pretty serious…

aiclan:

cormbread:

buttermilkqueen:

girl you are

no i’m genuinely confused is there even a joke here

I’d rather be laying in a field somewhere doing drugs